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Friday, July 22, 2011

Guilt



Today’s guest blogger is Wendy from Candy Hearts.

Wendy is not only my blogging friend, but she’s my friend in real life, and my kids are friends with her kids. Let me tell you she’s just as awesome in real life as she appears to be on Candy Hearts.

Regardless of whether I’m reading Wendy’s blog, we’re chatting over dinner or we’re spending time at the park, I can relate to Wendy. We find similar things humorous and we laugh together (I love that we laugh a lot together!). We commiserate with one another. We think alike and share similar sentiments.

The blog post below is no exception. I can so relate to the guilt she harbors, and the letter she's written to her eight-year-old daughter, Sugar, is one that I could have written to Jack.

Wendy, thanks so much for sharing here at D-Tales!


Wendy





Sugar


Guilt.
Not MY guilt.  Though I’m always fearful that my best efforts are letting down the people I love.  That somehow I’m not “measuring up” to be the wife my husband thought he was marrying…or the fact that I try to keep my house somewhat tidy means that I don’t love my kids because I’m not spending every waking moment indulging them…or the fact that we get by with (and are thankful for) “hand-me-down” clothes and toys means that I somehow don’t want the best for my girls…or the fact that my kids aren’t participating in every possible extracurricular activity means that I’m not allowing them to discover hidden talents…just a constant feeling that I’m not doing a “good enough” job at this game of LIFE…
Yeah, I’ve got Life Guilt.  But I’ve got Diabetes Guilt too.
When she’s 400 (or, ehum, higher), I immediately blame myself.  Did I miss something?  If she’s low, I immediately worry it's because I overdosed her.  When we’re having a roller coaster day, my mind spins and spins…because I must be doing SOMETHING wrong.
So I don’t sleep much.  I don’t read much.  I don’t sit and watch TV much.  I think…and think…and think…
And feel guiltier and guiltier and guiltier. 
Oh, but back to this post.  Like I said…it’s not about MY GUILT.  What about her?  I wonder what she must think while the meter ticks down and my face shows that it’s a number I’m not happy with.  I wonder what she must think when she hears her mommy and daddy talking about her numbers and shaking our heads.  I wonder what goes through her little mind when she knows it’s been a hard diabetes night and I’m tired.
So, I’d like to make myself feel better by telling Sugar a few things. 
FYI ... It’s nearly 1 am – I certainly can’t wake her at this hour.  I don’t know if she’ll ever read this, but it’ll be part of blog history…just in case…
Dear Sugar,
I am so proud of you.  I want you to know that I will always be proud of you – no matter what.  Even if you didn’t have diabetes, I would still be proud of you.
Diabetes does not define the wonderful person you are.  You are such a wonderful sister and an amazing daughter.  Mommy and Daddy are so blessed to have you for our little girl.  Your grandparents love you beyond measure – I’ll never forget the beautiful birth announcement Pink Grandma and Bob made to announce to the world that you had arrived!
You have a fighting spirit and an infectious smile.  Everyone who meets you, falls in love with you.  I can’t say that I blame them.  You are compassionate, giving, and loving to others.  You have a heart of gold that makes us so incredibly proud.
I know you don’t understand why Mommy and Daddy seem to work so hard at dealing with diabetes.  That’s okay, Baby.  I don’t want you to understand all that right now.  Right now, I just want you to be 8.  I want you to keep making funny observations about the world around you.  I want you to keep learning something new every day.  I want your imagination to keep flourishing.
I promise that I will never be angry with you because you have diabetes.  I might get upset when you don’t clean your room…but I’ll never be upset that we need to check your blood sugar.
We’re in this together…it’s our journey and we’re a team.  No matter what that meter says, I just want you know that I think you’re terrific.
I love you.


13 comments:

Wendy said...

Thanks for having me, Heidi! I'm so blessed to know you online AND IRL :)

xoxoxo

Misty said...

Beautiful letter Wendy! I have wondered myself if my disappointment in Ally's numbers make her feel that I'm disappointed in her. Thanks for this reminder...I will have to make sure to tell her that I will never be upset at her because of diabetes.

The DL said...

This is beautiful and made me cry. One day when she reads this and understands she is going to feel so lucky to have you. You are such an amazing mother and we should all be so lucky to have a mother like you. Thank you for sharing.

Holly said...

Ooooo...tears, Wendy. No matter what the meter says, we love them. I have to tell MC that.
Thanks for having her, Heidi-I'm glad you two have each other : )

Alexis Nicole said...

Wonderful post Wendy. I could've written it myself to J.

The emotions of D still are so raw to day to day with all the new challenges we face. Glad to have you and Heidi by my side.

Xoxo

shannon said...

aww, beautiful, thanks for sharing.

Electronic Medical Records said...

Love does not mean only doing the things you are feeling not being able to do that too because of your ill health,love is holding them dear to your heart and saying them that often,standing by them and understanding them,the rest will follow...they will be more self reliant.

Reyna said...

Great message. I am taking this reminder to heart. I hope that Joe doesn't see any disappointment in my eyes, my face, or my body language. Let's face it, he most likely does. :(

Un-Apologetic Diabetic said...

I'm totally tearing up right now. The letter is beautiful. Even now, I'd love to get a letter from my love ones about not blaming me for D causing so much drama in our lives. I hope she does get to see the letter someday, it is perfect.

NikDuck said...

Such a beautiful letter! I can completely relate. Thanks for sharing.

Sarah said...

what a lovely letter - and she is terrific!

Jodi said...

WOW! You took the words out of my mouth. We D-Moms have a tie. Who else can understand the stuff we carry around in our heads! The guilt, sadness, happiness in any given 24 hour period:). Thanks for sharing!

Jules said...

Heidi, thats awesome, so great you have support and comfort in wendy and vice versa. I think we all do feel that guilt. I have to stop kicking myself for the 'numbers'. its a journey.